I was born 150 years ago back in 1974 in a log cabin I helped my grandpappy build. In the suburbs. I was raised by a she-wolf and an old basset hound in a cave down by an arroyo in the canyon country somewhere between nowhere and the moon. I first made it big in acting on a farm when I was 19 but that all went bust when a wondering guru from Pennsylvania's shore showed me the way. I spent the next 650 years delivering cargo between Alpha Centauri Delta and Ursa Minor Beta in my old Styx650 runabout until it broke down in the Galapagos, where the radiation leak caused evolutionary anomalies. That's where I met Charles Darwin and we went to the United States and joined Buffalo Bill Cody's Wild West Show and toured the Earth until we wound up in London. There I met Queen Victoria and unbenownst to Prince Albert (who was always in the can), I convinced her to name a bunch of places after herself. After a ribald two-year courtship, I departed for Africa and waited for Stanley, but when he called me "Dr. Livingstone," I just couldn't take it anymore, so I set out to wander the Earth.
These were my dark years. I went to Shanghai, took up opium, and started the Boxer Rebellion, and then the Ruso-Japanese War, and then the First and Second Balkan Wars. I was at my all-time low, hitting the laudinum, playing with guns, and travelling from town to town under my nom-de-guerre, Gavrilo Princip. I happened upon Sarajevo in 1914 and shot this well-dressed chap standing up in a convertible who later turned out to be none other than the Archduke Franz Ferdinand! Then, I found out my Styx650 had been repaired so I took a long 900 year vacation on some prime swampland somewhere in the Pleiades where I took up the relaxing hobby of benzine sculpture and alligator pearl culturing. Then I figured out that in order to finally come to terms to who I am, I had to come back to Earth to sell stickers and t-shirts.
Anyway, stop by and say something nice to me at dogfist@bresnan.net and I might, depending on the day, give you an arbitrary discount. Wait for the reply though...